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The Dude

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seeing [11 Jul 2006|09:47pm]
[ mood | cold ]

i wrote this for a class in september

The hour was late, the moon was high, and the other men and I were getting increasingly anxious. Sitting hunched over in the back of the van, I couldn’t see them that well, but each time the repetitious pale yellow glow of the streetlights abrasively intruded the van, I could tell that the expressions their faces bore were grimmer and grimmer. “I’m serious Frank- it’s the only way we can get the money by six!” Oliver muttered with a not too subtle display of fear. It wasn’t a lot of money, but if we didn’t find it, game over. We were staring into the eyes of the reaper, and as each hour passed, he raised his scythe higher and higher into the air, ready to swing it down at any moment. Oliver was right though, we needed this money and we needed it fast. I had told myself that I wasn’t going to get up in the morning, look at my fac ein the miarror and call myself a criminal, but I knew that desperate times led to desperate measures. There was no other way. Beads of sweat raced down my face as we slowly rolled up into the parking lot, as to avoid arousing attention. Vinny the driver said that he was going to park around the corner, and come back in five minutes. We all nodded our heads. As I opened the wide door to the van my blood turned to ice and I hesitated getting out, just as one would before jumping out of a plane, plumetting towards possible doom. I desperately wanted to stay in the van, but there was no turning back now. Oliver, Frank, and I walked towards the door of the convenience store, and pulled masks over our faces, shielding our identities from our impending victim. The bright diffused fluorescent lighting in store slapped my face with a warning; it was too fast of a transition from the vast darkness outside. The sense of safety and protection of the clerk had jumped out of his mouth, leaving the rest of his face pale, as Frank flashed the piece at him. The whole thing happened in what seemed like seconds- easier than stealing candy from a baby. However, we were only six footsteps out the door when the bullet from the store clerk’s pistol came barreling through the window and into Frank’s leg. He writhed in pain, as Oliver and I shot blindly back into the store. I panicked as his blood painted the pavement. We found cover behind some cars, and dragged Frank with us as he wailed, “Did he call the cops? Did he call the cops? Where’s the van?!” My heart started beating at the speed of light, and I knew it was over. The next thing I knew, I was being stared down by the heroic, warm white headlights of our van. We were in it in no time, and had to find somewhere to take Frank pronto, but the cops weren’t even on our tails. We were in the clear, and as we drove straight into the deep orange backlit sky of a brand new day, new senses of hope and relief were instilled into my head.

1 criminals come, see, conquer

whats love got to do with it? [28 Jun 2006|07:33pm]
[ mood | removed ]

I had this conversation with a friend of mine, quite some time ago (two? three years?), about love. It had to do with the fact that she feared uttering the words "I love you" to her significant other, because what if she didn't? Sure they had been seeing each other for quite some time, but she was only 16 or 17, did she really love that other person? And it's not quite something you can take back either... "Well, it just so happens.... that I DONT love you after all." So who's to say when we can truly tell when we've experience what being in love with someone is like?

Now I'm a theater major in college, and part of what's expected of me as a lighting designer, is enhancing the emotion of any given scene of a show. I have to examine the play, and then each scene, and extrapolate the emotion i want to enhance. If it's fear, is the light on the figure we're focusing on brighter? or is the rest of the stage brighter. Am i going to use a cool color? or a warm color? Besides the fact that these questions plague me all the time while i'm trying to figure out what to do, knowing the actual emotions themselves inside and out helps a good deal.

Now let's briefly narrow down the range of human emotion. So say we have fear, love, anger, hate, hapiness, sadness, and i'm sure a few others but I don't feel like spending the time trying to remember what they are. Now I'd go as far as to say that love is the most complex emotion out of those several, and here's why.

One of the reasons I enjoy a bit of psychadelic action every now and then, is because I become closer with most of these emotions. I've never felt fear like the time I was tripping on mushrooms in my friend Shanes dorm room and the fire alarm went off. I could compare it to hearing an air raid siren, or an attack alarm on a submarine- as if unthinkable tragedy was looming nearby, and I had to undertake desperate measures in order to save myself. Through these experiences, I'd say I've associated myself more closely with fear, anger, hapiness and sadness. Maybe hate, but i'm not too sure about that one. Hapiness is clearly the best of the bunch- reasonably so. Sadness I also find particularly interesting, unlike many others I know. I could be looking up at a rainy sky, and undergo and immense feeling of sadness, yet I find pleasure in knowing what that immense feeling of sadness feels like.

So there are a few reasons I find anger, hate, fear, hapiness, and sadness to be less complex than love. First of all, are odd ranges of love. You can love someone, but not be in love with them. You can love a group of people, but only like one of them. When it comes to the other emotions, theyre mostly straight forward, in the sense that there's a range of weak to intense. You can be irritated with someone, you can be pissed with them, you can be angry with them, or you can be flat out mad. But am I wrong in saying that that's about it? Fear too. You can either be scared, or very scared. But with love, there seems to be different types of love.

Hate is the closest in complexity to love, since it is technically the exact opposite. You hate someone, you love someone. opposites. However, i'd say that there are, again, some things that make love a bit more complex of an emotion than hate. Mainly, you can hate someone, and they don't necessarily need to hate you back. It doesn't need to be a mutual understanding. Hate can go one way. Love however, in it's richest form, must be mutual between two individuals. To be truly in love with someone, must they not be in love with you too? Such a complex feeling would soon turn into wallowing sadness if it wasn't returned.

I can easily say I've felt all the other emotions in the entirety, except love. I dealt with extreme sadness when I lost my father, I've feared taking on several risks of young adulthood, and so on and so forth. But when I have to read a work of literature where love in it's richest form is illustrated, how do I capture it? I honestly have no idea. I consider it almost a weak point in my value as a designer, and as a large downer as a person. I know I'm young, and that I have many years ahead of me in order to find out what it's like, but a lot of the time that sounds like a bunch of crap. If not a full out knowledge of what it feels like, maybe just a little? I'd really love to know.

2 criminals come, see, conquer

[22 Jun 2006|03:20pm]
almost july. broken up. relaxed. class and job in a couple of weeks.
come, see, conquer

[21 May 2006|04:12am]
[ mood | blah ]

so the summer of 06 has begun. for some reason i feel like it's going to be a horrible summer. i quite smoking a month ago and i'd really like a cigarette. oh, and did i mention i discovered i don't know what to do myself at this age still? thats the one thing i'm waiting for maturity to take care of. if it's any consolation, new super mario bros is making me happy however.

come, see, conquer

ergh [06 May 2006|01:38pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

i've kinda cooled down since my last entry, but i'm still extremely stressed as i have a lot farther to go until the end of the year. ironically, i'm only here til the 16th, but every minute until then is gonna be major major work.

i saw mission impossible 3 last night, and i loved it entirely way too much. i want to see it again.

come, see, conquer

[29 Apr 2006|09:40am]
[ mood | distressed ]

I've felt quite awful this past week. besides the fact that I decided I hate this school, and my class, I also haven't felt like i belong anywhere. I quit smoking (today is day seven) so around my friends i feel quite terrible, and the friends i haven't spoken to in a while, i don't know how to approach. i've just ended up sitting in my room playing video games- i don't know what else to do. i can't wait until this year ends- big time.

come, see, conquer

blech [24 Feb 2006|10:28pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

well, not to complain or anything, but i have an ulcer in my esophagus, i can't drink for the opening night of my show, i haven't eaten since wednesday morning, and i can't eat until sunday. i feel kind of alone and extremely unhappy! on a lighter note, everyone liked the show tonight- and thats a good thing.

4 criminals come, see, conquer

corn [07 Jan 2006|02:10pm]
[ mood | confused ]

well, my brain has a high IQ,
but my heart certainly doesn't!

1 criminals come, see, conquer

there are those who call me... tim? [20 Dec 2005|11:47am]
[ mood | blank ]

so here i am at home over winter break.

i finally switched apartments, so thats good news. metal dan is taking my spot, and i find that pretty funny. the apartment is gonna be exactly the same way it was last semester, and i MAY come and visit. i haven't decided yet. i'd want to see dylan, but i'm kinda shaky about seeing anthony. and i don't know about the rest of htose clowns anymore. although, tony and harry won't be there so thats a good thing. i decided i dont necessarily dislike either of them, but i've come to understand their flaws, and i feel extremely uncomfortable around both of them. all it took was for harry to start shit talking me, and tony to see that that's what the focus of the conversation was, so he could take advantage of it to impress people. well, no more of that unsafe environment, and much to look forward to.

in other news, i realized i learned a lot of life lessons this semester. none i can really share here, but thats purely because i probably couldn't put them into words. i can only see the proof that i've learned them through the changes in my actions, and through my different perspectives towards things. it's a good thing though, cause i feel like a stronger person, and that i have less to worry about.

however, there are still some lessons i'm having a difficult time learning. maybe its because i don't understand the flaw within myself in the first place. maybe it's because i do understand the flaw, but don't even know where to begin to fix it. these are the unlearnable lessons that plague me everyday and make me as depressed as i am. they're lessons i need help learning, because i don't seem to have the power to do so on my own. one would tell me to shutup because i definitely do! but it's been how many years that i haven't that everyone else has? i DO need help, and i'm convinced im not gonna get it, so i'm stuck in a small closet with the light turned off on that one.

2 criminals come, see, conquer

[04 Dec 2005|11:32am]
[ mood | sad ]

well, i'll be honest. i was wrong, and now i feel pretty retarded. now i'm back where i started- in fact, i feel a bit further back. alright, thanks for reading, i'm gonna go chop off me wee-wee, cause i don't need it anymore.

1 criminals come, see, conquer

[28 Nov 2005|10:32am]
[ mood | tired ]

ok ok so things might actually be looking up, i'll be honest.

1 criminals come, see, conquer

[13 Nov 2005|07:27am]
[ mood | numb ]

sometimes you say to yourself "shit, how can things get any worse?" and then it starts raining.

2 criminals come, see, conquer

[05 Nov 2005|12:24pm]
This Is My Life, Rated
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
1 criminals come, see, conquer

[28 Oct 2005|03:21am]
i kinda wish i were dead. but i'm not serious.
1 criminals come, see, conquer

[30 Sep 2005|09:30pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

blech, so many people keep asking me if i'm alright. even metal dan asked me if i'm alright. am i supposed to actually say no?? riiiiiiiiidiculous. i find it funny that i can be in such a good position with the rest of my life, and one area can make me feel so empty when i curl up in the fetal position and go to bed at night.

come, see, conquer

[27 Sep 2005|08:06am]
[ mood | tired ]

1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written

8 criminals come, see, conquer

[26 Sep 2005|01:59am]
[ mood | content ]

concensus? this year's birthday totally better than last. my friends really love me :):)

come, see, conquer

[20 Sep 2005|12:03am]
[ mood | blah ]

whoopee. i'm 19.

4 criminals come, see, conquer

lyrics [01 Aug 2005|03:50am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

ok so this is the first complete set of lyrics i have written so far. i also have most of the song written too, just other melodies and what not i want to throw in that aren't done. compliments are welcome :) and honesty helps :)

"This Way, Utopia"

I dreamt of a place,
Where it never gets cold,
And you never grow old
All the food is free

I dreamt of a place,
deep in outer space
where a magic carpet race
happens regularly.

So am I goin alone,
Or will you come with me?
There's no other place,
That i would rather be.
Let's jump over the fence,
And live life happily

All signs, point this way, to--

I dreamt of a place
Where my fantasies
Appear before me
And my wishes exceed three

I dreamt of a place
Where there's a parking space
with a golden state of grace
Reserved for me.

*Repeat Chorus---
All signs, point this way, to--

Our own utopia
They'll never bother us again]2x

Instrumental or something

I dreamt of a place
Where the human race
will get off my case
and leave me be.

2 criminals come, see, conquer

[25 Jul 2005|01:23am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

i always thought that the ideal friendship would be one where both parties would talk seriously, care for each other, but also know how to have fun with each other. strangely enough however, the person that i consider my closest friend at this point in life, has no emotional attachment to me at all, or me with him. there's never a serious conversation about feelings or anything like that. its all fun and conversation about things. and, oddly enough, it seems to work best. i haven't felt uncomfortable around him in years, and i never feel awkward spending time one on one with him. ever, and there's a very few people i'm able to spend time with alone. it's a difficult area that i'm not always excited to deal with. theres never any emotional offense to deal with "how come you don't call me anymore?" etc etc. jeez, life and friends, weird shit man.

1 criminals come, see, conquer

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